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  • Writer's pictureHaines Eason

Meditation at 90 days: Finding myself walking a path to mindfulness

Updated: Mar 15, 2019

What stops you from giving yourself the time and attention you deserve? Sit with that before you read on.

Okay. If you have one or two answers, write those down. Come back to them after you've read this.

For now, I'll ask: do you blame outside forces for your unhappiness, restlessness, angst? This isn't a finger-pointing exercise. I'll readily admit I do. Did. Not sure? I'm working on it.

I've been "on my way back" to myself for a long time. I've been a blamer of the world at large (writ large). I've been a self loather. A defeatist.

I've also been extraordinarily ebullient at times. In other words, I have lived at the beck and call of my emotions for much of my life, and, while living that way when all is well is the most exhilarating of rides, when you're down, you, your very self, is down. And life is dark. And it is unbearable.

I came to such an impasse in July of this year. My wife is an assault survivor, and her difficult experiences came during our marriage. That's as far as I can go with that... But July marked the anniversary of all the darkness we have endured, and we are wed at the heart, and mind so... It was a bleak time. A dark time in the midst of, ironically, our favorite season in our beautiful adopted home: Colorado. I found myself unable to cope, to be the loving support she desperately needed. I needed to find space, to breathe and to heal before I could return to the good work of being present for her.

I don't know what spurred it, but I found myself searching meditation apps one day. And I found one. And I gave it a try...

I barely made it through my first ten minute session. And, it was some weeks before I strung two, then three days together. Today, I am at day 90. What have I gained?

It is unbearably hard to enter a place of silence and to face yourself and admit your pain. It is exceedingly difficult to breathe while your mind is running wild, unrestrained, while so many dark thoughts are bubbling up. These too may be your truths if you explore this path. Knowing you are not alone will carry you far.

Accepting early too that the untaught mind is a bestial thing, that will pay dividends. If you can find a little humor in that, cheers to you. The realizations will be sobering, though: I realized my first inclination is to numb or bury the noise: work, alcohol, phone time... Looking back, I saw a long history of numbing. I was ashamed, afraid.

I barely made it through my first ten minute session. And, it was some weeks before I strung two, then three days together. Today, I am at day 90. What have I gained?

I can't say that you'll find an answer. You'll find more questions than anything else. And you'll find that your concerns, your obsessions, loop. There are always a few recurrent themes. For me, the leading one is work. Then, the "shoulds." What should I be doing instead of X? Sadly, the shoulds often rear up when I am trying to zone out and just be with myself... I am working on that.

What you will find, in time, is a buffer. It appears out of a fog, one day, when you're least expecting it: a space between your impulses and action. Once you accept your thoughts and feelings for what they are, just information, data, you'll be more curious about them, less fearful of them. They'll hold less sway.

In time, you'll just see yourself; in more time, you'll see yourself, hopefully, as you are. And that will bring you joy. Mindfulness can offer you a space between your selves, your emotional deep-mind self and your rational self, and that space can give you time to contemplate before action. And that? That's power. That's peace. That's freedom. I'll speak more on this in time.

For now, I hope you're encouraged to find a meditation tool and begin exploring it and your selves. I think you'll be surprised at what you find...


For those interested, I use Headspace. I have not been paid mention the app or say the following: I love it, and it has changed my life. I wish you peace on your journey.

#Loveandrelationships #Slowliving #Spirituality #Mindfulness

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